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My BF’s Porn

22 comments | August 12th, 2012

(by Katie, a 25yo Chestist)

There's so much about this story sent us by one of you we think is important, let's just let her do the talking:

I don't know if I'm upset right now. Or even if I should be.

I hopped on the BF's laptop to check email this morning (his was on and I was lazy enough to not want to turn mine on) and saw he had some… ahem… visual aids… up in the tabs. Now, we have frequently used porn of various kinds as foreplay ("Do you like this? Why? Why not?") so me checking out what was selected has positive precedent with us.

But these were all "Barely Legal!" and "All Horny Teens!" sites… Not the usual variety pack of mid/latetwenties, obviously adult bodies. Im willing to enjoy the blanket assumption that all of these girls are fully legal and do this to support their own, noncoerced sexuality, but all I can see is the girls in the teen Girl Scout troop I volunteered with last year. I texted him to ask about it (nicely, I swear) and he called not long after to talk about it vs. texting. His position is that those pictures remind him of the girls he had crushes on not so long ago (we're both midtwenties). He agreed that me seeing the girls I knew from Scouts made perfect sense.

Now he's worried that I think less of him, I don't, I don't think…. Maybe? Can I? If he didn't do anything wrong and I don't think I'm upset with him, then why does it bother me so much?  {end story}

First, what do you all think she should think?  What would your reaction be if you bumped into the same things this Chestist did?  Second, not that anyone's asked for our opinion, but we'll give it here anywho.  Props to GF for raising something that made her uncomfortable.  Props to BF for picking up the phone and talking it through.  From here, we'll add only this before turning the mic over to you guys.   What turns us on is what turns us on.  Let's put the illegal and the wildly inappropriate aside…have you ever judged yourself or someone else because of their sexual peccadilloes?  Let's #discuss.

(this is a FMB rewind, first published last August)

 

22 comments

  • Maura

    Posted on November 21, 2011

    My advice, don’t let it bother you. Most of these sites have names that have nothing to do with their images, and given that you have enjoyed pron together, there’s nothing to be thrown by. IMHO.

    Report this comment

  • Porn Fan

    Posted on November 21, 2011

    I agree with Maura. My husband and I are big porn fans, and so that is my bias. Unless there was something clearly illegal with the images he found erotic, then there’s nothing wrong with the “visual aids” he was using.

    By and large, men are much more visually oriented than women. I’ve also found that for many men, their sexual tastes start when they’re 15 or 16, and that while they expand from there the 16 year-old they lusted after when they were 16 – they’ll still lust after that same 16 year-old when they’re 35, just like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.

    As the old saying goes, look but don’t touch. Unless you’re touching yourself.

    Report this comment

    • Anonymous

      Posted on November 21, 2011

      My world renowned sexpositive sexpert friend hs tight me otherwise. Women actually become more turned on by visual than men. It’s patriachical based male privilege nonsense that creates & supports the myth that men are more visual.

      The problem I see is the difference between choosing to enjoy (quality) porn together vs. pedophilia inspired porn being snuck behind one’s back.

      Own the discomfort & don’t let the issue be twisted into something else. If you think less of him then let him own that.

      Report this comment

      • OOC

        Posted on November 21, 2011

        Thanks, Anonymous. Really? Wow. We’d love to see that data. Not really sure how misperception around that is supportive of male privilege, but ok.

        Thanks for adding your voice.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on November 21, 2011

    As I grew older and become more sexual, I was surprised by some of what I found turned me on. It wasn’t always a happy surprise. There were some things I thought were “fetishes” and I thought fetishes were “not normal”.

    As I become more confident with my own sexuality and I allowed myself to experiment with what I wondered if I liked without judging it, I found I liked some of it and some of it I just liked the idea of. Learning both things has only helped make sex a richer and healthier experience for me (and my partners).

    Report this comment

    • OOC

      Posted on November 21, 2011

      Anonymous, good on you for working your way through what you thought you were “supposed” to do, feel, want and finding comfort within yourself based on what you actually want and feel. That’s hard work and some serious truth speaking. Thanks so much for sharing it. OOC

      Report this comment

  • Anonymous

    Posted on November 21, 2011

    I laughed as I read this because it reminded me of when I found a file of my husband’s porn bookmarks on his laptop. The look on his face when I asked him about it was like that of a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The only thing I cared about was that he thought he needed to keep it secreted from me. He can wank his crank to whatever he likes. I just don’t want secrets in our relationship.

    Report this comment

  • Katie (the poster)

    Posted on November 21, 2011

    When he came home we had a great discussion about everything and looked through the tabs that had been up and talked really talked about it.

    He told me that, as soon as I’d explained why those particular pictures made me uncomfortable, he’d felt awful because he knows how much I love those girls. He also admitted to being a bit off kilter about actually talking about his porn with me, we’re fairly new as a couple (4ish months) and he’s never really shared this part of himself with someone.

    He volunteered that, since his tastes are pretty varied, that he’ll generally avoid those, since he understands how they make me feel. But we both agree that he didn’t do anything at all wrong, and if that is what he ‘has a hankering for’ that’s what he’ll be looking for.

    I was so happy we had a real conversation about this, no one upset, no bruised feelings or lasting embarrassment (he did blush though).

    Report this comment

  • I Heart Porn

    Posted on November 21, 2011

    I’ve watched porn with almost all of my boyfriends. Generally, they like it but I like it more. I don’t have a lot of GF that are as into it as I am and I’ve found myself introduced as “this is my friend who really likes porn” more than once.

    I agree with the original question . We really do not have much control over what turns us on and what does not. As long as whatever it is remains safe and concensual, I say have fun with it. I do.

    Report this comment

  • OOC

    Posted on November 21, 2011

    Katie…we agree with Lady Why. Well played by both of you. XO, OOC

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  • Prudence

    Posted on November 21, 2011

    I guess I’m the only one who would have a hard time with my BF looking at teen porn. Just don’t like the idea at all. It feels creepy and exploitative to me. Am I just a big nerd?!!!

    Report this comment

    • Eva@OOC

      Posted on November 21, 2011

      Prudence, you, like Katie have the right to feel whatever you feel. If teen porn would be a deal breaker for you, then so be it. We think that it’s all about honesty. Katie brought it up with her BF and it sounds like they had really productive conversations. Great dialogue here. Thanks, everyone!

      Report this comment

  • B3

    Posted on November 22, 2011

    If I found my man watching porn I think I would wonder what was wrong with me that he had to go look and fantasize about some other girl’s stuff.

    Report this comment

  • Vicky

    Posted on November 24, 2011

    I find it really difficult to handle my boyfriend’s pron habit. It’s been a problem for nearly 3 years now. It’s really great that you were both able to talk openly about it because my biggest problem with my boyfriend is he repeatedly lies to me about. Even though the lies hurt more than the content of what he’s watching he can’t be honest with me. I tried to find some useful resources to help me handle this but was unsuccessful. I’ve tried everything from cognitive behavioural therapy to smashing up the USB drive full of videos + images but nothing seems to resolve the problem. If anyone has any ideas that will help I would be really grateful. Thanks.

    Report this comment

  • Vicky

    Posted on November 26, 2011

    He says he can’t masturbate without it. I think from talking to him that his reasons go deeper than that, but he says he’s ashamed of using it and that’s why he lies to me about it.

    Report this comment

  • OOC

    Posted on November 26, 2011

    Vicky, we’re no experts here, but we’ve definitely seen research and data that shows the more porn’s used alone, the more difficult it can be to find intimacy in other parts of a relationship and in other relationships.

    Cindy Gallup talks about it and many other things on her amazing blog makelovenotporn.com, which you might want to check out. Also, attaching a link to a 5 minute TEDX video that may be worth watching.

    http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/zimchallenge.html

    We’re not sure any of this will help, but it may help you – and your BF – understand a bit more. We’ll leave it to MCS and others to chime in with their thoughts. Hoping this is of some use…thanks for sharing here.

    Report this comment

  • Vicky

    Posted on November 27, 2011

    Thanks for the links. It’s really interesting that you mention the link between porn useage and intimacy because that is exactly what I see in our relationship. I used to have a really bad habit of snooping on his computer and mobile phone to see what porn he had been watching, which was a terrible thing for me to do to him and was slowly breaking my sanity. However, snooping is how I found out that he was a serial liar when it came to this issue – he would say to me he wasn’t using/downloading/watching it when the reality was he was doing it any time he had the chance (including using my computer to do it!). I’ve since stopped snooping on him because I realised how much it was destroying me. As a result I now have no idea if he’s lying to me or not. He never brings up the subject either so it’s become this unspoken, taboo subject between us. Sometimes ignoring the problem makes it easier to forget about but there are always times when I will accidentally find out what he’s been doing and that’s when I don’t know how to deal with it.

    To bring it back to the original post, it was really good of Katie’s boyfriend to discuss it with her so openly and honestly. I really feel like porn useage should be one of those things you discuss with a new partner early on in a relationship if you think it’s important to you. Much like Katie, I found it really hard to deal with the gritty details of what my BF was looking at as he was into women who were the complete opposite of what I am and it made me question whether he was really into me or not. This was what initially hurt but it’s the lies that hurt more now. In my view, the lies are a symptom of my BF not being able to be emotionally intimate with me for fear of being judged or shamed.

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  • NC

    Posted on August 13, 2012

    I’ve never thought about whether he watches porn before. Now I’m wondering. We’ve seen a few together i just find it so fake that there’s nothing exciting about it to me. But I don’t get hard when the wind blows either:)

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  • Lily

    Posted on October 25, 2012

    I assume that every partner I will ever have will do all of the following things:

    1. They will have sexual fantasies about people other than me.
    2. They will masturbate.
    3. They will watch porn or read erotica or look at pictures they find sexy.

    And I am ALL GOOD WITH THAT.

    Know why?

    Because I want to be my partner’s lover — not their Big Brother.

    Healthy relationships don’t extend into mind control. Healthy relationships don’t involve controlling my partner’s access to their own body and erotic imagination.

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