Crying About This

4 comments | September 9th, 2012

(by Sally, 34)

I was a 17 year old virgin, with no self-esteem.  He was older, good looking, naughty, and paid a lot of attention to me.  We hung out for a while, but I knew if I didn’t sleep with him, he would move on.  The night came.  I did it, but didn’t want to.  It was awful.  He dumped me anyway, and it turns out you CAN get pregnant your first time.  I just wanted it to all go away, and so did my parents.  They took me to go have the pregnancy terminated, which was also awful. 

In this paragraph, you can just use your imagination, and fill in what kind of self-medicating, self-destructive behavior you can imagine a very broken girl, in her 20’s does to herself.

So now, after a major rock bottom, I’m 34, and I’m all cleaned up.  I’m 3 years sober, my career is great, my mortgage is on time, and I finally have some peace.   There’s one very large broken piece though, that rips my heart out and haunts me.  I want children.  I want them now.  I’m single, and there’s no one in sight.  The clock is ticking, and I may run out of time. It’s hard not to yell at myself “you had a pregnancy, and threw it away!”  I know I did what I thought I needed to do at the time, but it’s just such a twisted situation to be in.  I thought “I’ll have kids when I’m ready”.  I didn’t ever think that I may not get the chance again.  I think I have forgiven the 17 year old me that made the decision, but am I going to be crying about this for the rest of my life?  {end story}

Is there a 17 year-old (or 12 or 27 or…) you that you need to forgive?  (You can always do it here, anonymously.) You ever think life only gives you one chance at some things?


  • Sara Tristan

    Posted on September 10, 2012

    You said it yourself, you did what you needed to do at the time. Can you imagine having had a baby when you were 17? It really sounds like you’re righting your ship and should be so proud of what you’ve done and fought your way through. Don’t look back look ahead.

    Report this comment

  • Nicole

    Posted on September 10, 2012

    I think we all look back with a degree of what-if and regrets. There are times I think about decisions I made in the past and wonder if they would be the same ones I made today and obviously not all of them would be. Whatever they were and no matter how different I would make them today, I’m happy with where I am and grateful to the me that got me here.

    Report this comment

  • PL

    Posted on September 10, 2012

    There are many different ways to have a family. If you want children you will have them. I got pregnant 2x when I was too young and too irresponsible to be a mom. Much later I had trouble getting pregnant. Then i met someone who already had small children. We formed a new family. I’m not saying it was easy, but it happened.
    There is a big difference between being ready to conceive and being ready to be a parent. You have to be ready or you won’t do it well, and that doean’t work for anyone.

    Report this comment

  • Anonymous

    Posted on September 10, 2012

    Sounds like you have really gotten your act together. Be proud! Now you have the space to bring children, wanted children into your life.

    Report this comment