Distortion
30 comments | February 28th, 2012
(story by Mir, from Woulda Coulda Shoulda)
After years of being a female teenager, myself, and now having spent a couple of years parenting a female teenager, I've come to an inescapable conclusion: Surging estrogen has a negative impact on the brain.
Argue with me if you must, but I think it must be true.
I look at pictures of my teenage self, now, and wonder at how I could've been so myopic about my own looks. True, my hair was rather unfortunate (hey, everyone's was) most of the time, but I recall being convinced that I was plain, at best. On a good day, I believe I was plain. On a bad day, I just knew I was horribly, terribly ugly.
My measurements, as a teen? 34-22-34. And I have a very clear memory of that first discovery of cellulite on my thighs, and trust me, it wasn't in my teens. When I was a teen, I was pretty. Not just that, but I had a killer figure. And I had absolutely no idea.
Instead, I wore big, baggy clothes to cover up my body, because I was sure it was too hideous for anyone to be able to stand. My mother was blond, but my hair was stupidly brown. There was no reasoning with me about any of it, either. Everyone else who told me I was pretty was dumb and wrong.
Now I have a teenage daughter, and Lord have mercy, she's gorgeous (in my completely unbiased opinion, of course). Much like my own teenage self, she is skinny but curvy, with a figure I know she will someday look back on and wonder why she didn't think she was beautiful. Whereas I have hair reminiscent of a poodle, hers cascades in loose waves, meaning it looks just like what other girls spend hours creating with hot tools and rollers when she just lets it be, or she can easily make it stick-straight if she so desires. Her hair is lighter than mine, which means she gets sun-kissed blond streaks in the summer, and between that and the waves she usually looks like she just walked in from the beach… which is, of course, ironic, because she, too, covers up her body in baggy clothing most of the time.
Yesterday she was sitting in my office doing homework, and for a journaling assignment for English she had to write about things she would wish for if she had the chance. One of her wishes, she told me, would be to have an identical twin sister.
This didn't surprise me, because she's friends with a set of twins and they clearly have a very special relationship.
No, what surprised me was that she went on to say: "… because if I had a twin sister, I could just have her put on the outfit I want to wear, and then I could look at her and REALLY know how I look in it!"
There was a pause, then, as I considered pointing out that even identical twins are never exactly identical; but what came out of my mouth after a second, instead, was, "Um, have you ever heard of a mirror?"
She looked at me. I looked at her. We cracked up.
"It would be different," she insisted, weakly, still giggling.
"Suuuuuure it would," I said.
"I can't tell when I look in the mirror!" she insisted. (Obviously the solution is to clone her, because our mirrors are all defective.)
I know a lot of women, and most of them say that they, too, had no idea how pretty they were until time and gravity started changing that.
How do we help young women overcome this estrogen poisoning so that they can see themselves more clearly? (Because I don't really see the cloning thing being a great long-term plan.)
(read more Mir here. If you're not already.)
30 comments
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Anonymous
Posted on February 28, 2012
I believe the main issue here is what society, media, etc are giving her as the image of what she wants to look like. We’ve all heard it, seen it; models, stars, pictures in magazines making her want to fit into a style and image that is being fed to her. That in itself is enough to drive most teens out of their mind just trying to emulate.
It takes way too long to get them to learn that being who you are is OK, thus enabling them to like themselves, with so many things subtly (or not) telling them otherwise. Overcoming this seems to me to be at the heart of any antidote for estrogen (or testosterone, for that matter) poisoning.
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Stacy
Posted on February 28, 2012
My daughter is 3 and she pointed at someone the other day and said, “He is fat.” My husband and mom said I should have told that that was rude and it could hurt people’s feelings to hear they are fat. Instead, I told her, “God made everyone and we are all different. Some are little and some are big. But God thinks we are all beautiful.” I hope if she hears that everyone is beautiful, instead of learning that some people should be ashamed of how they look, she will always think she’s beautiful too. It probably won’t work but I have to try. Being a teenager was horrible (my measurements, 29-21-30: can you say STICK!) and I really dread my daughter’s teenage years.
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meghann @ midgetinvasion
Posted on February 28, 2012
I have no idea what to do about all of this. My daughter is tiny. She’s the shortest one in her class, and she’s rail thin. I don’t know many 9 year olds that can wear size 4T shorts, but she can. And yet, she thinks she’s fat.
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Arnebya @whatnowandwhy
Posted on February 28, 2012
OK, so my measurements haven’t changed much. Much like Stacy above, I was a stick as a teen (and not far from it now. Oh, how I wish I had as much boob as my 11-year-old does).
I think the more often we repeat it, the more they may believe us earlier. With TV and magazines telling them how to be prettier, with bras for tweens being overly padded, with hair extensions being peddled everywhere we turn, it’s hard for girls to not think they need to be prettier, aren’t pretty enough, busty enough. They’re being told by too many external influences that they aren’t enough. I simply don’t have the answer to counteract the estrogen poisoning. All I can come up with is talk. Talk as much as possible. And show. Show them that there are so many varieties of people, that embracing individuality is way better than trying to recreate another person’s look on yourself. (And now I’m giggling as I imagine trying this out on my 11-year-old. Oh, the eye rolling I’d get because of course, I know nothing, old lady that I am).
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Jen
Posted on February 28, 2012
I really don’t know how to fix it. I tell my daughter (10) all the time how beautiful she is both inside and out. And I pick specific things when I tell her. But I know I didn’t listen, I didn’t believe them when I was told the same things. My response, “You have to say that.” So I am not sure what will change the estrogen fueled nonsense.
I do make a point to tell both my children that hormones will make their brains go all wonky, so maybe if I point that out enough they will see my reasoning is better than theirs. I wish there were a very simple answer.
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Lynn
Posted on February 28, 2012
I think most woman have a hard time seeing them just as they are no matter what age.
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Amy
Posted on February 28, 2012
Growing up I had braces and glasses and went through some very unfortunate hair experiments (perm, big bangs, etc). My sister was oh so pretty and beautiful and she would say things to me like “you know I’m prettier than you.” To which I would retort, “you know I’m smarter than you, and you’re going to wrinkle.” And I really didn’t care that she was prettier than me. Or that I’ve been wearing the same bra size since I was 13 and she is a 36DD. I was cool with that. Because I am not what I look like. And I really wish children, young women, etc. would understand that more. My sister has now had two children and has lost her thyroid to cancer and has gained a good deal of weight, which she is always trying to loose. Her daughter, who is 8 and is still so light that I can pick her up and carry her around, will sometimes not eat because she wants to be “skinny like Aunt Amy” (aside, Aunt Amy is not skinny, I’m completely within the BMI for a healthy weight). And it bothers me that she says that. She is smart and funny and did I mention smart, but at 8, she’s already caught up with how she looks. My nephew on the other hand, could care less. He even asked to have his hair cut like my dad’s (my dad is bald on top). Why do women have to be judged on their looks? Why can’t we just be funny, or smart, or crafty, or great writers, or talented? Why is our worth based on our looks? Why don’t we as a group, stand in solidarity and say, we are not what we look like and raise up a group of strong young women who could care less!?!
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Nelson's Mama
Posted on February 28, 2012
I was not skinny in high school and had bigger boobs than I do now (sigh). Because my mother had been a bean pole all through her high school days, she made me completely self-conscious about my weight and I spent most of my high school years dieting.
When I look back at the pictures of myself, I see a perfectly normal sized young lady – cute, perky and bright eyed. Sure wish that girl had believed in herself more.
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Megan
Posted on February 28, 2012
I didn’t get my image issues from the media – I wasn’t allowed television, didn’t see magazines and wasn’t taken to movies. I got my image issues from the horrid little kids around me (who were doubtless getting THEIR image issues the same way!).
I do wonder, now that I look back and see myself as I was then with a lot more clarity, just what am I missing about myself now when I focus on the new wrinkle or the five pounds I didn’t have ten years ago?
I think that’s my new goal this month – to try to see myself as I will ten years from now!
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Jan
Posted on February 28, 2012
I don’t know and it makes me sad. I also don’t think it’s limited to the teen years, because I know many a 60 year old who talks about how good they looked at 40 and didn’t see it until a decade later.
I do know that one of the most difficult stages in parenting for me was the one where my then-about-3-year-old daughter went through a phase where she wanted, regularly, to look in the mirror with me and both of us say “Pretty Munchkin” followed by “Pretty Mommy”. I can’t tell you how strong the urge was to qualify that somehow, even in the privacy of my own home, with nobody there to hear except my daughter. I think it’s not really OK in our society to think we’re pretty. It’s OK to occasionally *feel* pretty, if we’ve gone to some amazing extra effort (say, your wedding day), but it’s really not socially acceptable to think, deep in our heart of hearts, that we are pretty.
I’ve written before about how very important I think body image stuff is. We talk a lot (some might say ad nauseum) at our house about what our bodies can *do* and about how amazing that stuff is. I talk, too, about the things that I don’t like as well, and allow them to, too, in the hopes that maybe my little people can learn that just like all parts of life, not everything can be our favorite bits, but it’s part and parcel of the whole thing, which is pretty darn good.
The only thing I can think of to help is to model this. And I try, in spite of the fight against 40-mumble years of training to the contrary. When I get a new haircut that I like, and someone compliments it, I say, “thank you — I love it too!” I smile at myself in the mirror and when I do, it’s not so hard to remind myself that I *am* pretty when I smile. I talk about colors I love on myself, and clothing that I got rid of because it wasn’t the right fit for my body.
I overheard my kids (6 and almost 8) having a conversation the other night in which one was telling the other that she wished she weren’t the littlest kid in her class. “Me too,” he agreed [they are both very short for their age]. But then he paused and said, “but I’m really glad that my body is good at GOING FAST.” And it felt like a small victory to me, that he remembered to think about something he does like.
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Christine H.
Posted on February 28, 2012
I hate the word “pretty” too. It tends to convey only one type of beauty. I never called myself pretty growing up, and I don’t now. To the best of my memory, I have never been called pretty. When I would complain about this or that or someone being prettier than me as a teenager, my mother would say “Well if you want to be pretty, you could wear…” or “at least you’re smarter than she is.” Ugh. And although really tall, I had a great figure (but unfortunate hair), but didn’t know it (and no one else did because of the clothes). I understand Chickadee’s wanting a twin – we really don’t see ourselves in a mirror the same way as others see us. Every once in a while, I catch a reflection of myself as I walk up to a door or see myself in a mirror when not really looking and I see that I am thin, not the huge beast that I usually see. My face…well I have worse skin now than I ever had.
I tell all of my female undergraduates/graduates, who work with me, how truly beautiful they are. Because they are – there is nothing like youth and promise and seeing someone learning, expanding, and on the cusp of discovery. They scoff at me, but I hope that some of it gets through.
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Heather
Posted on February 28, 2012
I think somehow if it were another person – and one we loved with far fewer conditions than we put on ourselves – it would, indeed, be different. I think 90% (at least) of women would like to kick themselves for hating their teenaged bodies – I know I do!
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mamaspeak
Posted on February 28, 2012
If you find a solution let me know. I have 2 girls. My oldest, 8, is the height of most 11yos. She tall & thin, good at sports as the perfect wavy hair you mentioned. Basically, she was the girls I envied in high school. I had very curly (unfortunate) hair & no one to help me w/it. (First in the family to have it.) The sports I was good at, (snow skiing & dance,) were not rewarded at our school. (We lived 3 hours from the snow & dance, even though I was on pointe, wasn’t considered much of a sport.) I too was thin & curvy in the right way, but considered myself fat. I was ok, w/myself, but not ok enough in my opinion. Sometime around my Jr/Sr yr of high school I figured out that I liked me. I had some good friends who liked me too. I took the attitude that I really didn’t give a crap what you thought, if you don’t like me, don’t hang out w/me. I have plenty of friends who do like me, so move along. It’s crazy how empowering that can be. I’m not sure how I got there either. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have doubts about my looks, but I just stopped giving a shit. When I really did that, it was liberating.
My younger daughter is my mini-me. I suspect she’ll get there sooner than I did.
I worry about both of them though in this department. A lot. My oldest is beautiful (not just by my standards,) people will stop me on the street to tell me. I worry that the popular girls, who are mostly her friends right now, but that seems to be changing a bit, will hold it against her. The mean girl stuff started last year & while she managed to stay out of it, I worry about her a lot. She sensitive. It just takes one boy, who is liked by a mean girl, to indicate he likes my DD instead & a mean girl can make my DD her personal project.
I tell them they’re pretty. I also tell them they’re kind, which makes me so proud of them. Kind is something that is hard to teach. We’ve let them pick their activities; soccer, softball, swim, dance, gymnastics, art, music… I’m hopeful, that by doing this, knowing they have so much to offer, they will realize they’re beautiful inside and out & be happy in that knowledge.
Right now, I’m not there, so it’s a huge thing to ask of tween/teens when at 40-something, I’m unhappy w/myself. I have a huge weight gain due to an injury & surgery during the last 6 years. Just now, getting back to things that are more than your basic functioning through the day. (And for a long time, I wasn’t functioning through the day.) I skied for the first time in 6 years last week! I’m trying to focus on being healthy, the rest should follow. It takes a lot longer when you’re over 40, and it’s super frustrating. I know my girls know I’m not happy w/myself, but I try to rationalize it w/them as it being bc I want to be completely healthy again. I want to be able to run, (not yet,) ride bikes, (last year,) ski, (last week,) etc… w/them. AND bc I have all these clothes that don’t fit. I like those clothes & want them to fit. So there’s that. (((hugs) to you and Chickie. Tell her to stop carrying about everyone else, (yeah, right,) and then they’ll be focused on her & why she isn’t chasing them.
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djlott
Posted on February 28, 2012
Somehow, I learned years ago that there would always be someone prettier, skinner, smarter in something, etc., than me, but that I was also prettier, skinner, smarter than someone else, so it didn’t matter much in the long run. I don’t know how I came to realize this, except maybe having been such a tom-boy growing up. Was I able to pass this on to my four daughters- no. My 21yo daughter is the worst for comparing herself to others, she talks about getting work done to look better, when she really is gorgeous as she is. Unfortunately, there is only so much I can do…
Re: the body double- I sew, and a lot of women talk about what an eye-opener it is to have an identical dressform made to help them in their sewing. (http://www.mytwindressforms.com/) A mirror is 2D and a body double is 3D, so there is a difference in our perception. ( I have not done this yet, and I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone with claustrophobia or medical issues!)
Perhaps two or three mirrors set up at an angle to give a more dimensional view would help. Some women also say looking at a photo of them in an outfit is better than a mirror, especially if the picture is from the neck down- they can be a little more objective!
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KarenP
Posted on February 28, 2012
I kind of get what she was talking about with the twin. I think we are too hard on ourselves. Maybe if she saw another person not just an image in the mirror it would be different. When I see a picture of my husband I always think he looks great. When I see a picture of myself I always think I look awful. Now if you asked my husband, he would think I look fine, just like me in fact. Ever look at someone else and wonder if you are the same size?(Hope that makes sense.) I can look at someone else and think they look great no matter what their size. How come I can’t look at myself the same way? It doesn’t help that I lost 27 pounds and then gained most of it back!
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Christine H
Posted on March 4, 2012
I also hate myself in photographs – I can look in the mirror and think I look fine, but then see myself in the same outfit in a photo and hate it. I think it’s because we are so used to seeing ourselves in a mirror, which is a reversed image, that when you see a photo, which isn’t reversed, it looks odd. So a twin would help with that (plus as someone else mentioned – 3D). I now hate having my photo taken. But I have a friend who takes a ton and then posts them immediately on Facebook. Sigh.
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Pris
Posted on February 28, 2012
Actually, I love that suggestion! Obviously, we all use mirrors, but that view is so ingrained and familiar that we never get a fresh perspective on it. The very point of having a twin would be to have someone who’s a different person, but in so many ways the same. Maybe that would break the immersion, kick us out of our heads and allow us to see things differently. Jolt us out of the mud-colored prejudices with which we view our bodies. Not everyone is body dysmorphic to such an extreme as anorexic girls, but we all have a multitude of features we’re not seeing as they are. Perception is subjectively colored to a great degree.
I’m an artist. I try to find different ways to get a fresh view of my work. One of them is to put a painting in front of a mirror, or mirror-turn it if it’s on the computer. It suddenly appears different, very foreign, and it usually looks /better/ because I’m not imposing all my prejudices and insecurities. It’s especially useful after you’ve toiled on a piece for hours and just can’t tell anymore. Too bad that that particular trick doesn’t work for body image.
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My Kids Mom
Posted on February 28, 2012
I wish I’d appreciated the teen me also. But if we assume that our teen selves were better than our post-baby selves, then we’re still in the same trap. My boobs are bigger now, even if they aren’t quite (cough cough) in the same perky place. I have better posture now. I’ve learned to cope with, if not like, my hair. My skin is losing zits and gaining wrinkles at about the same pace, which means, it could be worse. My big feet are bigger. My butt is rounder, but it fits jeans better than it used to. I wear less makeup but my eyelashes are lighter. My blue eyes turned green sometime as a teen. So, overall, I’m in a pretty good place. At least I appreciate my body more now. (Did I mention that it hurts more often than it used to?)
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Anonymous
Posted on February 28, 2012
Take pictures of her in different outfits and she can see what she looks like from the front, sides, back. Do it on a “good hair” day when she’s feeling her best.
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Metacognitivethoughts
Posted on February 28, 2012
I always wanted an identical twin so that I could see what I looked like. I guess in my head the mirror effect could be seen in the “natural enviroments”. I could see how that outfit worked in hallways, seeing how people reacted to the outfit. I also wanted a twin so that we could do science experiements in different places of the house and I wouldn’t have to explain my reasoning or thinking patterns, because a twin would just get it.
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Amy
Posted on February 29, 2012
I wish I knew the answer. I teach middle school and I try to help my girls be as comfortable and confident as I have the power to do so. Which of course isn’t much. The power of media and each other is WAY stronger. But I hope I have a better handle on it before my 5 year old is in the clutches of misguided expectations. Maybe there’s an evolutionary purpose to going through a phase of self-doubt?
I just got home from a week in India, and one thing that really struck me was that in the absence of media constantly and directly telling them they aren’t smart enough or rich enough or pretty enough, the people (especially in the slum) seemed way happier and at peace than here in the US. Of course my little snapshot doesn’t come close to getting the whole picture, but I did notice a difference in attitude.
When I was a teenager, I thought that I was pretty attractive, but was upset that none of the right people seemed to agree with me. And I would NEVER say so out loud, for fear that someone would think I was vain. I was very tall and thin and curvy with gorgeous long blond hair. I was smart and outgoing.
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ScottsdaleGirl
Posted on February 29, 2012
“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
― Kathryn Stockett, The Help
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Brigitte
Posted on February 29, 2012
I think your estrogen theory must be completely true, my parents told me I was pretty (sparingly, because they thought I might turn out like the unfortunate beauty of the family, Aunt Bea); BUT! It didn’t count, because parents HAVE to say you’re pretty.
Now even total strangers tell my 44-pound, blond, blue eyed 7-yr-old she’s beautiful, and she still occasionally thinks she’s ugly and fat. Was this such an issue before TV?
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Anonymous
Posted on February 29, 2012
I feel lucky because my parents strongly stressed “what did you DO today” and both of them had absolute contempt for style without substance. And I was raised that you never judge anyone based on things they can’t control. Truthfully, very few people are truly ugly. And kindness goes a long way.
When you interact with people, what do you notice? Maybe that you found them pretty – but that’s a personal criteria. I’ll never forget being in a pilates class, wishing out loud that I could have a tush like J.Lo, and having someone else go “ewww! I’d never want a big fat butt like hers!”. Mostly you’ll notice if the person is nice, pleasant, polite…do you care if your kids’ teachers are pretty, or that they do a good job? Do you care if your bestie is pretty, or that she backs you up when the mean girls start talking? Are they “ugly” girls (maybe in the South) or are they “mean”? So pretty, skinny – those just aren’t important.
You could tell Chickie “Looks fade. What traits will get you & your children through the zombie apocalypse alive?” I mean, unless you can determine empirically that zombies prefer their brains in a certain type of body…looks probably aren’t going to be a factor. (My kids & I use the zombie apocalypse as a litmus test – will this still be important after the zombie apocalypse?)
I tell my kids what they started with is the result of a random genetic shuffle, based on a man I picked before they were born. What they do with it is theirs to own.
Another thing I think is important is the concept that it’s dangerous to let other people define your “success”.
Interesting post.
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Karen
Posted on February 29, 2012
Interesting, all of it. My mother never told me I was pretty. In fact, she said she wouldn’t tell me because girls who thought they were pretty were stuck up and self-centered. So I shouldn’t think I was pretty. My ex-husband told me sometimes that I was pretty, when we were first married, but I couldn’t believe him. He already told me I was self-centered. So, when I couldn’t answer him properly, he said he would never tell me again. And he never did. Now in my 50′s, I have a suspicion in the back of my mind that I’m not horribly ugly, but how can I know? The people who were supposed to love me wouldn’t tell me. No, I’m not ugly. Plain, probably. But you know what? I don’t care. My friends don’t care. My cats don’t care. It hasn’t stopped me from having a career, or owning a townhouse, or putting food on the table. So what? We can’t all be America’s Next Top Model. And I would rather know I’m plain that obsess about being pretty.
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Anna
Posted on February 29, 2012
Hmm. I was just talking with my husband recently about beauty. The media tells us we are beautiful if we are altered somehow. Blown out or curled hair, colored eyes, colored nails. Naked face, wash-and-go hair means you didn’t “do” anything to make yourself beautiful, therefore you are not.
So I’m trying to change my opinion about myself. It’s NOT easy. And yes, ignore what I posted last week about a little mascara and eyeliner. heh
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Sarahtoo
Posted on February 29, 2012
I know just where you’re coming from, Mir–I never saw how lovely I was as a teenager until I was well out of those years. It’s too bad, really! Now, I have a 9yo daughter, and though she’s not yet made any comments about not liking how she looks, I still worry that she will, because it is so prevalent in our society today.
For what it’s worth, I found a wonderful book, Body Drama, by Nancy Amanda Redd, that deals with some of the “am I normal” questions. The author is a former beauty queen who interviewed women, then went to doctors to ask the questions they were all too scared to ask. She then had photos taken of all kinds of “normal” bodies (the book is graphic in that way) that illustrate the questions. It’s awesome, and a really useful book, especially for teens.
Anyway, negative connotations aside, you’re pretty, Mir, and so is Chickie!
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Reb
Posted on March 1, 2012
This got me thinking: what is it about prettiness that makes us care so much (me included)?
We fight “you’re not pretty” messages with “yes you are, everyone’s pretty!” messages. We don’t feel a need to tell everyone that they’re athletic, or agile, or a story-teller, or musical, or scientific-minded, or a great linguist. We accept that there are degrees of talent or luck and if you’re at the low end of these, that’s fine. Go be great at the things you’re great at.
Kind-of drives home how much prettiness matters, which is just weird.
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Victoria
Posted on March 5, 2012
I turned 42 this month and no longer mirror the measurements of 25-30 years ago. I remember being 36-26-36. My father told me, repeatedly and no doubt with good intent, looks don’t matter. But I thought, at the time, he meant: you aren’t pretty, but it doesn’t matter. (He has Asperger’s- which we did not know at the time- and can only do so much as far as inter-relationship communication is concerned) HAving a 16 year old now, a taller than average blond creature with an hourglass figure, I take any occasion, however casual, to slip in a comment to the affect that she is both smart and pretty.
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Nicole B
Posted on March 5, 2012
I think, as much as it’s superficial, rationale doesn’t play a role, here. Chickie wants to look and feel pretty. She’s at ‘that’ age. We didn’t listen to our parents and neither will she. Media certainly has set a standard of ‘beauty’ that most of us will never attain. But beyond that, no matter what we’ve been born with, we all want to feel beautiful. I say get her glamour shots for her birthday or some other special occasion. She’ll see herself for what she is and treasure the chance to be a super model (if only for a day). Let someone she doesn’t know take the pictures so she’s not inhibited. That way, when the photographer says the shot is ‘perfect’ and that she’s beautiful, there will be no doubt.
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