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I Don’t Want To Have Babies

17 comments | March 3rd, 2012

(submitted by Angela, a Chestist.  Originally posted 5.18.11, and again now)

I'm a 35 year old female, married to a wonderful man, educated, working at a good job, but I have a confession to make.  This confession has taken me several years to actually realize.  Here it is…ready? (You may think you are, but I don't know!)

Okay…I don't really want to have babies!

There, I said it.  Do I still get to keep my Woman Card?  I feel like I’ll be booted out of the club for daring such a thought, the lone woman out in a world obsessed with fertility.

What I do know is that my hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 5 years now – our progress is one ectopic pregnancy and…well, that's it!  He and I both have some fertility issues, meaning our reproductive organs aren't exactly working in rabbit-like fashion.  Okay, so no big deal, right?  Take some fertility drugs, try a couple (or more) of In-Vitro fertilizations, and just pop some out!  Or adopt a bunch, there are kids everywhere who don't have families!  Or get your mom to carry some fetuses for you, I saw that on Oprah!  Do I really HAVE to do all that?

Ummm…no.  Not so much.  For me personally, the idea of scientifically "messing around" with my biological functions to produce a human life is, well, scary.  For me, it's just not the right thing to do.  I’m of the school of thought that says if something isn’t working, you shouldn’t force it.  I'm glad that other people have access to the technology, but for me it sounds like a nightmare.  The poking, prodding, shots, tests, crazy hormone-induced mood swings, not to mention the stress and pressure, weeks, even months on pins and needles worrying if there is success, and then possible major disappointment and resulting depression when all that stuff doesn't work.  I've had MORE than my share of disappointment and depression already; I can't handle any more.

 Oh, and also, I don't have the money for fertility treatments, even if I did want to go that route.  People spend tens of thousands of dollars on that stuff, which sometimes results in…nothing.  I just read a book about that actually, titled Silent Sorority, by Pamela Tsigdinos.  Adoption is also not an option for us, for valid reasons which I won’t enumerate here and which are not in our control.

The thing is, I have never really seen myself as a parent.  Growing up, I always kind of knew, maybe call it intuition, that I would probably have trouble producing children.  Long story short, nature has never worked properly for me in that department, although otherwise I’m strong, athletic and healthy.  In my whole life, I've never been the type of person who envisioned how many kids I'd have, what their names would be, or what they would grow up to do.  I’ve had friends who were talking about their future children when THEY were children!  As a child, I wasn’t into playing house or with baby dolls.  Apparently I’m just not programmed that way.

So why have I been even attempting to get pregnant, you ask?  Great question!  I've just gotten to the point of asking myself the same thing.  Why am I spending perfectly good years of my life stressing out, feeling depressed and disappointed, struggling with my self-worth, and now my sex life suffering to boot??  (Note: Unsuccessful mating eventually results in an almost complete lack of desire to mate.  UNACCEPTABLE!)  WHY AM I TORTURING MYSELF, and my husband, trying to do something that is not working?  It's like I've been banging my head against a brick wall. I just have a giant headache and nothing to show for it.

Turns out, after all that soul-searching, I think I was doing it because Everyone Else wanted me to, and I though that’s what I was SUPPOSED to want.  You know, my family, his family, society in general.  I got caught up in what “they” said I “should” be doing, and was miserable and hating my life.  But I had an epiphany – I don’t HAVE to want kids!  Therefore, I give myself permission to be okay with myself, okay with not wanting to go through horrific, emotionally and financially draining fertility technology, okay with being HAPPY with my life!  Since that epiphany, I have felt freedom and joy again!  I can think about my future and plan things I want to do, go see and accomplish, unencumbered and unrestricted!

I say all this because I’ve read tons about people undergoing massive fertility treatments, and I feel like the only one who is okay with not wanting to continue that agony for myself.  I can’t be the only one!

17 comments

  • Rachel

    Posted on May 18, 2011

    GIRL I DON’T WANT BABIES EITHER. WE’RE STILL GREAT WOMEN!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on May 18, 2011

    Stop trying! You’re betraying yourself and your husband.

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  • Don't Tell Mom

    Posted on May 18, 2011

    I’ve always thought it was Darwin’s revenge that we’re supposed to WANT to have babies. I mean if we didn’t want to, then we probably wouldn’t, and the species would die. But that’s a species problem.

    I’ve never thought I wanted kids – just that I was expected to have them (by my mother, friends, society). I still wrestle with the expectation, but the older I get without having kids, the better I feel about not wanting them to begin with. They are great, just not for me.

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  • Avery

    Posted on May 18, 2011

    I didn’t want kids. I didn’t feel I was missing anything, and was certain I’d miss all the things I couldn’t do once I had them. We had our first 3 years ago and 2nd a year later. Best thing ever, for us. So glad we did, as there’s a depth of emotion and love I don’t think you can feel except towards your kids. IMHO.

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  • NotaMomma

    Posted on May 18, 2011

    When I don’t know what to do, if I can not choose between two things (and I am not talking about what to have for dinner or whether to have dessert), I try and figure out how to manage potential regrets. If I’m more likely to regret doing A or regret not doing B, that helps me make my decision.

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    • Moi

      Posted on May 18, 2011

      I agree, if you can not decide between 2 options this is a good way to try and figure things out. But it sounds like Angela knows what she wants and does not want. Being true to your own feelings in the face of a lot of judgment is hard to do. Good luck!

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  • Eva@OOC

    Posted on May 18, 2011

    Angela, even though it has taken a while, you know what you want now. Listen to yourself, on this issue in particular! Having kids is an enormous and wonderful commitment, but you have to reeeeeeeeally want to do it. Other people may not agree with you, but you can live with that.

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  • Genie

    Posted on May 19, 2011

    Trust me, you’re not alone! My aunt has endometriosis and tried for many years to get pregnant naturally. Doctors suggested the fertility treatments and even hiring a surrogate mother, but she declined. It’s too much trouble. Kids are not a necessity. Good luck to you!

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  • Jules

    Posted on May 19, 2011

    Kids. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. :)

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  • Angela

    Posted on May 24, 2011

    Y’all are awesome! As a follow up, I’d like to say that I feel like I am getting my “real” life and personality back , and my husband has his wife back, not a crazy lady who’s difficult to live with. I really appreciate the comments!

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    • OOC

      Posted on May 24, 2011

      That’s why we’re all here, Angela. It takes time, but we’re so glad you’re feeling better. Hope we’ll see you back here soon.

      Thanks so much for sharing your story. XO, OOC

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  • Rachel

    Posted on March 3, 2012

    Me neither. Am 45 now and can report it gets better. The seeming obsession with babies passes off once you are past your early 40s. I did wonder if I would feel differently once I got to this age and I do. . I am even more certain I don,t want kids and am delighted to be child free now. Doesn’t,t mean indon,t have children in my life that I love, but remain very glad they are not mine. Rachel

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on March 14, 2012

    YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE KIDS! No one can dare act like its their business or pressure you.

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