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Becoming A Highly Educated Housewife

3 comments | November 30th, 2011

(story submitted anonymously, by a Chestist)

When we first got this story from one of you, we were so struck by her understanding and insight into herself. We've no clue if she's being unfair to her, as so many of us are to ourselves, but here are her words and her story:

I'm clinically depressed and have been since I was a child. Treatments don't really seem to work. I am unreliable. I can't really control myself. Sometimes I'm nice and generous and productive, but it inevitably lapses into flakiness and sadness and paralysis. Somehow I've gotten into a good doctoral program, but I'm not doing well in it.

I'm graduating this year, and starting to apply for jobs. I don't mention my mental problems, which feels like a great deception. For the jobs I am looking at, no one would hire me if they knew how erratic I am. I literally shouldn't get these jobs. I feel like the only work I am perform reliably is some sort of migrant shift work, or perhaps just NOT work.

I'm increasingly considering becoming a highly educated housewife, except that I can't even do homemaking reliably. Obviously, in my state, I don't think that I should bear or raise children. I fantasize about encouraging my boyfriend to go into banking (this is a viable option for him), having him join the 1%, and live as his parasite. If fate gave me unstoppable internal misery, I feel like fate should give me external luxury.  {end story}

She's young enough that she's just graduating from college, and yet she already feels like life's defined and bookended for her.  In many ways, she's writing here a story of what she thinks will be rather than just what has been.  What about you?  You ever feel your future is a prisoner to your biology or your past…or something other than what you do NOW and then?  Let's #discuss.

3 comments

  • Emmie

    Posted on November 30, 2011

    I look at my life ad sometimes feel overwhelmed by the turns and twists it has taken. I don’t think I will ever go back to college and finish a degree but I have learned that I don’t have to stop learning new things. I’m bipolar and my moods are quite mercurial and I like the OP have days when I feel like I’m completely unreliable (and I am) but I try to focus on the days where I am awesome. Although I don’t work outside the home and some days (weeks) I can’t get it together to do laundry or clean bathrooms I know that I contribute significantly to the household and am appreciated, which makes the hard days just a bit easier.

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  • Deb

    Posted on December 1, 2011

    I’m in the same boat that the author is in. Clinically depressed and feeling like I don’t contribute in any way to society. My husband and I moved to a different state for this year while he is doing an internship. We decided that I would not work, because it would be too difficult to get a teaching job in a state other than the one I currently hold a license for and the town we moved to is too small to have many, if any, jobs of any sort available. Instead, I am taking a couple of classes. I would not recommend staying home for someone who is clinically depressed. Even with my medication and having to leave the house a few times per week for class and church, etc., I still spend too much of my time doing nothing. I sleep too much and clean too little. I haven’t been cooking meals regularly for my husband and I haven’t been eating properly myself.
    We’re relatively far north, so now that it’s winter, the days are very short and have been mostly overcast and gray. My depression is much worse because of this. I started looking for jobs that would want someone who is only around another 8 months, but that search isn’t going well. My husband, who is very patient and understanding, researched light therapy for me and ordered a light therapy lamp. It should be delivered sometime today or tomorrow. I’m anxious to see if it can help me, because it’s not fair to my husband to have to work 40+ hours per week only to come home to have to help me get some cleaning done or dinner cooked.
    I know what I should be doing, but anyone who has struggled with depression knows how hard it is to force yourself to do what needs to be done. It’s hard enough to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning. Given the choice again, I would not choose to stay home; I would at least want a part time job.

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    • Eva@OOC

      Posted on December 3, 2011

      Deb, thank you so much for sharing that. Depression can be incredibly debilitating…we have a lot of it in our extended families. Given what you shared, we’re wondering why you don’t go get that part time job?

      You’re so very conscious to be aware of what you “should” be doing, of what it must be like for your husband, whom you obviously love and appreciate, and still find yourself fighting to get out of bed. It can all be so very hard. We hope the light therapy works. We’d also encourage you to talk with a professional…medical and/or psychiatric…as often times depression can be managed with the help of others. At least you’d have another set of data with which to operate.

      Anyway, thank you again for sharing. We wish we had something more to offer than our empathy and understanding of how tough it can be.

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