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Finding Myself

7 comments | June 13th, 2012

(story submitted anonymously, by a Chestist)

Within the last few months I’ve fallen for a wonderful guy: there’s mutual respect, trust, attraction, the works—and though we’ve not yet gone much beyond the ‘making out’ stage I have, yes, fantasized on occasion about taking things further. But.

While the fantasies where I was topping were great, the one with positions reversed flooded me with sudden panic. (Editor's NOTE: some of you may immediately know what "topping" is, we didn't.  So we looked it up.  Topping refers to the dominant role in a dominant/submissive relationship.  Thought this would help provide some context.)

And when I looked back, and tried to figure why something so – not exactly innocent, but normal – had reduced me to this, this 'edge-of-tears' state, all I could think about was an incident last October, where a relatively new acquaintance violated the boundaries I had laid out as conditions for any activity. When this acquaintance seemed troubled about it some days later, I committed the mistake of saying, without thinking, that it was – okay? Not so bad? Didn’t need to be thought about further? How foolish I feel now.

I regret that it happened, and I regret that I “let it” happen. (Funny how in the past I’ve always avoided ‘victim blaming’, until it’s me who’s the ‘victim’!) If I could hop in the TARDIS and jump back 7 months, I would tell my younger self not to do it. Except, isn’t that still absolving the acquaintance of the blame? And really, shouldn’t this person have stopped – and thought – and not initiated anything when I was in an emotionally vulnerable position?

I’m just so confused, and scared that the panic will come back if/when I start a sexual relationship with my partner…And I don’t want to be scared. {end story}

Regardless of the cause, how many of us can relate to being scared, confused and maybe even generalizing from one experience to many?  We think  our writer's so brave…not just for sharing, but for looking back and for the root cause.  You ever have relationship panic?  How'd you deal?  And remember, if you share you story you may help change hers.

And, P.S., how relatable is this line from her story: "(Funny how in the past I’ve always avoided ‘victim blaming’, until it’s me who’s the ‘victim’!)"

7 comments

  • E

    Posted on June 13, 2012

    Don’t blame yourself for having been scared. That’s yesterday. Convince yourself you won’t be anyone’s victim tomorrow or ever after.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on June 13, 2012

    My life is a series of relationship panics.

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  • BU

    Posted on June 14, 2012

    I don’t mean this to be challenging at all but to try and help. In your first sentence you talk about the respect and trust you have for this wonderful guy. Yet you still seem untrusting and afraid. My point is just to point out that this may be more about you then him. This doesn’t make it easier but I hope will help you understand that it’s not about him and maybe then you can recruit him to help you work through it. Wishing you love and luck,

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  • Lily

    Posted on June 14, 2012

    Many people who are into BDSM never bottom, either because it doesn’t move them erotically, or because, as it seems to be for you, it’s actively unpleasant.

    The solution to this is super super simple: Don’t bottom.

    You don’t have to justify your sexual preferences to anyone, and preferring to refrain from bottoming, temporarily or permanently, doesn’t make you “broken.”

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