Friends Don’t Fit on a Plaque
20 comments | April 24th, 2012
(Story by Mir, from Woulda Coulda Shoulda)
I'm always a sucker for the various cross-stitched pillows and wall placards that claim to tell you what a REAL friend does. Perhaps this is because I have always found the unwritten rules of female friendships somewhat baffling. There's little I would enjoy more than finally discovering a canonical list of how you can measure your relationship with a fellow female and determine if it is, indeed, worthy of your time and energy.
Does this sound tongue-in-cheek? It's not. I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood desperately trying to forge the kinds of friendships I was sure would make me feel complete; surely sleepovers and hair-braiding and passing notes about who liked whom would make me feel like I belonged, like I fit in, like I was worthy. This isn't to say I never had a real friend during that time, but I did seem to have more than my share of "frenemies" as I invariably found myself wondering why my "friend" was being so mean to me that day. The next day, of course, when she would ask me to jump, I all but asked "how high?" in my eagerness to prove myself so that she would like me again.
I'm female, but the intricacies of how females form these bonds has never been clear to me. I am a straightforward person; my experience with female friendships—particularly in adolescence—is that they are not. Whether or not you truly care for someone is wound up with issues of social strata and puppy love and the almighty What People Think. I was not cool enough for some of the friends I wished I was, which made for situations of "we're friends unless anyone else is around" or "we're only friends when I don't have anything better to do." I wish I'd known to walk away from those people, but I was young and naive and believed that they liked me as much as I liked them.
As an adult, my self-esteem increased, but the complexities of modern life did, too. So I learned to walk away from the obviously selfish and callous and drama-filled, but discovered a whole new world of situations that were harder to read. Was that friend really just overwhelmed with her own issues or avoiding me? Was that one being judgmental or struggling with her own marriage? Walking away or working through issues was still a tough choice, when I got to make it; other times, the choice was made for me, and it still hurt as much as when I'd been a kid.
Now I've hit the infamous "mid-life" point, and I'm still figuring it out. I have wonderful friends. I have wonderful acquaintances, too. I've learned that sister-like bonds can grow in unexpected places, and that sometimes the people you thought would be there for you just… aren't. I've realized that no poster or pillow or paperweight can detail the rules for friendships.
Instead, in my own life I've learned this about my true girlfriends:
They listen when I talk. They also listen when I don't.
They love my kids, nearly as much as their own. Even when those kids are rotten. (Maybe especially when those kids are rotten.)
They don't laugh at me. Except when they do, and when it makes me laugh at myself.
They will always split the last piece of cake or share the last square of chocolate.
They ask hard questions, but in a way that makes a safe place for the answers.
They will always tell me when I have something stuck in my teeth.
They will, in fact, tell the truth about whether that outfit makes my ass look big.
They make me feel beautiful, inside and out.
They make me want to be a better person. Not in the "I hope to cure cancer" sort of way, but in the "I hope I make them feel even half as loved as they make me feel."
Most surprising of all (to me, anyway): their presence in my life makes me totally, utterly, astonishingly grateful to be female.
I guess it's not terribly pithy, my list. But this week I've had an old friend visiting, and another friend far away and dealing with an awful lot, and I just can't help thinking that I may not have completely cracked the code, but when it comes to the mysterious pursuit of "feeling more better," these women are a huge part of how that works for me. And I hope I'm some small part of how it works for them.
Do you feel like you understand female friendships better as you get older? If forced to sew the lessons therein on a pillow, what would yours say?
(find more Mir, here)
20 comments
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{sue}
Posted on April 24, 2012
That’s a beautiful list! I think I am still trying to crack the code as well. I’m not one of those people who has a posse. And I guess I’ve always thought I should have one. Most of my ruminations about friendships these days comes from counseling my middle school daughter and trying to explain to her what a friend is NOT. (Judgemental, hypercritical, back-stabbing, self-centered… all that middle school fun!) Maybe I need to make my own list. And then try to be that friend to someone else.
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JMH
Posted on April 24, 2012
Completely agree..I also have a daughter in middle school and we are constantly talking about “real friends DON’T…..(fill in the blank)…sigh…
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Anonymous
Posted on April 24, 2012
This is one of those times I want to have a “Believe me when I tell you” pass. You know, the one where your child about something and they actually believe you are both telling the truth and really concerned about them. Whaddya think? maybe 1% of all the people you meet before college turn out to REALLY be a friend? Less? That number MAY increase a bit after HS… but not much.
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Mir
Posted on April 24, 2012
Oh, I DESPERATELY want that “believe me when I tell you” pass. Right now I seem to only have “roll your eyes at me and firmly believe I was never, ever a teenager myself” passes.
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Sarah
Posted on April 24, 2012
I thank my lucky stars I found a true friend early in life (so early we don’t remember not knowing each other). We had our share of girl drama with other, peripheral friends, but because we always had our true friendship to fall back on those other dramas never took over. It is an amazing blessing to have a 35-year friendship.
There are lots of things that are not-great about my life, but I am so glad to remember that my best friend is actually for forever.
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Katie
Posted on April 24, 2012
That pretty much sums it up. I have always had a few quality female friends in my life rather than tons of “friends.” I am still in touch with my best friend from grade school and my best friend from HS. We don’t talk super often, but when we do, it is like no time has passed.
Then there are the day to day friends. I am having a bit of a friends-lull this year with those kind, and I miss it. My youngest is homeschooling this year and my oldest started HS at a different school from his gradeschool friends, so those moms aren’t in my everyday life anymore. Hopefully I will find some new mom friends soon.
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Aimee
Posted on April 24, 2012
I’m very lucky in this regard. I don’t have a huge posse, but I have two phenomenal sisters who are my best friends in the world. As if that weren’t already an embarrassment of riches, I also have two very long-term friends, one I’ve known for 35 years, the other for nearly 28. What makes them my true friends is that they are always there when I need them, and they know that I am here for them. It’s just that simple.
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BKC
Posted on April 24, 2012
My grandmother has one friend (just one left!) that she’s known since church preschool. This year will mark their 74th year of friendship. I have one friendship (just one!) that survived the woes and throes of middle school, and we’re going on year thirteen.
I brushed my teeth at her house before school when my mom forgot to pay the water bill. She called me at four am to come jump her car, half a city away. When I’m on the outs with her it’s more upsetting than my divorce was. I don’t claim to understand it much better than I did thirteen years ago, but I picture our friendship like a quilt: pieced together slowly, getting older but always worth mending and patching because it’s perfectly made to keep you warm.
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Mir
Posted on April 24, 2012
I love the quilt metaphor, BKC. That’s perfect!
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RuthWells
Posted on April 24, 2012
The listening really resonates for me. I had similar difficulties with females friendships growing up, and as an adult recently realized that in many (if not most) of my female friendships, I was doing 90% of the listening. That was quite a wake up call.
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Mir
Posted on April 24, 2012
I think you and I are a lot alike in that regard, Ruth (others, too). Realizing which friends actually know something’s not okay with you vs. which ones just come to you for their crises but never notice… that’s some heavy stuff.
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Heather
Posted on April 24, 2012
I love your list. I may have to send it to my bestie
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My Kids Mom
Posted on April 24, 2012
I still don’t know how to move from acquaintance to friend. I never know if people I consider casual friends consider me friends in return or not. I can’t seem to move them past that stage. The friends I have just happened by chance, so I didn’t learn what I was “supposed to do” to encourage them.
My mother once told me that if she’d held onto one friend at each major life change (childhood, college, new babies…) she felt like she’d done well. By those standards, I have too.
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Mir
Posted on April 24, 2012
I have often lamented how difficult I find it to convert new friends into True Friends, but I think what I’m realizing as I get older is that it’s definitely quality over quantity. I’m not sure I have one of those friends from every major life change, but I do have enough that there’s always someone I can call. And that makes me feel really lucky, even if I am sometimes sad that the women I call don’t live in the same town, necessarily.
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Anonymous
Posted on April 24, 2012
It’s refreshing to see that someone else struggles with the code of friendship. I really thought I was the only one. I’m in a transition right now from friends I’ve had since our mutual kids were tiny to looking for new friends in new places. I’ve stepped away from people who allow their children to exclude or treat my children poorly and it’s been a struggle for me. I would never let my children treat my friend’s children badly, so I’ve moved on. So I guess that’s my rule-someone who not only cares about my children, but also cares enough to make sure that all of our children understand courtesy and caring.
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Melody
Posted on April 24, 2012
I have one true long-term friend. The best thing she ever did for me (years ago) was to tell me to my face that she always listened to me, but I never even asked her how she was doing. I will even now (over 15 years later) be in mid-conversation and will remember that and move the conversation from me to her because I love her very much, and I want to hear how she is doing.
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Emily
Posted on April 24, 2012
I was just thinking of this idea the other day when I was wishing that I had a fast forward button that I could push on a particular friendship. It is tricky business, this part about moving from friend/acquaintance to true friends. I *think* we’ll end up being great friends, but only time will tell that… and of course, only time will develop that great friendship.
I do love your list, though. It is perfect.
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Victoria
Posted on April 25, 2012
I’m trying to think what to add to your already great list……
While I think, I am recalling a ‘friend’ who was not. She was forced to deal with things at home which she would have preferred not to so she vented on me. I certainly didn’t ‘see’ what was happening, and I suspect she didn’t so much wish me harm as she just wanted a better life.
Forward a few decades, my daughter is mystified by a ‘friend’ being mean to her. I said to her, when you come home, you get fed and have a quiet place to do homework. I said, she does not. So, if one lacks, it’s hard to be nice.
I’m still not sure what to add, but I think I can say that those who have been unable to be our friends, are suffering internally- and then they lose out again by not befriending us.
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Arnebya @whatnowandwhy
Posted on April 25, 2012
I met a group of five women when I was a temp right out of high school. We’ve been together ever since. There is one I am closer to than the others, that one that will get the uncut version, but overall it’s pretty equal and I simply don’t know what I’d do without them. I have one friend from a previous job over 10 years ago who I can’t imagine being without on a daily basis (and there are 2 states separating us now) and my oldest friend I met on the first day of kindergarten. We have fallen on random speaking, but it’s the kind of friendship where things are dropped when she calls. I love them all and feel immensely lucky to have so many women with whom I can confide. Like you, they make me feel grateful to be a woman, to share this bond with them. I have tried to imagine living without them (during times my husband may feel jealous at my easiness with them). It’s impossible. Inconceivable!
My list would definitely include:
They listen. They cry. They love my children. They will bail me out of jail. They will take my keys when the tequila has won. They will say hell no to an outfit I have on, but in a loving way. Oh, And they won’t hump my husband. ;o
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Lucinda
Posted on April 25, 2012
I struggled with female friendships for many years, never really feeling like I connected. I have found in recent years that the more comfortable I am with myself, the easier it is to make friends. I think that translates to deeper friendships because I can focus on my friend instead of myself. My kids connect me too. If I like the kid, I usually like the mom. As a result, I have at least two very good friends now and another friendship that is growing. All within the last five years. It’s very nice.
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