7 comments | July 31st, 2012

(by Alece Chanel, a Chestist)

Sitting here replaying everything that has happened. The sharing of our hearts, the laughs we erupted, the inside jokes we formed and who could forget about the amazing sex? What’s worse about losing someone you love? I don’t mean, “losing” them as in death but losing them because they no longer want to be with you?

What happens when the person you love makes a conscious decision to leave the relationship and at the same time leave you with the pieces of your broken heart or in my case, soul. The first 24 hours, wait who am I kidding the first 48, are the worst. It’s the worst because you’re still processing what has happened and replaying over and over again why. You may be trying to minimize it initially or you may have a full-scale panic attack (I quite fancy the latter). Once you process the feelings to yourself and share with a few friends reality sets in. What now?

Who am I? How do I pick up the pieces from yet another failed relationship? How do I go on? I’m here to tell you, you do move on. You should move on and ultimately if you want to feel more better you must move on. As I began to pick up the broken pieces of my soul, things dawned on me about the relationship I thought I was entitled to. Was I attached to the person or the “relationship”? Sure I would miss him, his brown eyes with impossibly and unfairly long eyelashes, his undeniable ability to make me feel safe and most of all the love I thought we shared. Instead I began to turn inward, where is the love for myself? Aren’t I funny enough all by myself? Can’t I entertain myself on a Friday night and lastly aren’t I interesting enough that I want to be left alone with me?

The feminist side of my self began bumping BEYONCE self-empowerment tunes as if I was a brand ambassador for young, single and fabulous women. But deep down inside I was painfully sad and confused. The truth of the matter was I didn’t like to be alone, I didn’t want to be alone and in fact maybe just maybe I’m not as funny as I thought.

The key is to do the work. Begin to take an objective look at your life and what you want from it. Eliminate anyone or anything that gets in the way. Perhaps I never recognized my own talents and attributes because I was always apart of a relationship. Always being the ying to someone’s yang leaves little room for self-reflection and growth. Let me tell you what yings (women) get when we’re constantly apart of someone else’s yang. The yings get over used, a need to feel important to everyone all the time as well as an inability to be alone. Trust me yings, there has to be more out there. I am not a skeptic of love and relationships. I still believe in them and I still want my happy ever after, however I now want to find ME first!

I have a burning desire to discover exactly who I am and at my very own pace. I have sorted out the basics such as my preference for ballsy female lead comedies, the study of African art and my absolute favorite past time of indulging in spa appointments when free time and budgets allow me to.  My usual pattern would be to begin dating immediately for fear of not finding anyone ever again (how cryptic) I’ve also discovered how dramatic I can be. Instead I’m going to remain single. I won’t fill the whole and the pain of losing someone I love. This time around I want to feel the pain, cry my eyes out, journal my feelings just so the next day I can wake up and say “Wow, I really do feel better” maybe this go around I’ll actually mean it. {end story}

How have you healed from heart ~ and soul ~ break?



  • Catherine

    Posted on July 31, 2012

    I have always believed that if someone is our soulmate we don’t need to do a lot of conscious work to be with them. We’re soulmates, after all. Then there are those whose lives cross ours and who make our hearts quake and our souls shiver. These are the lovers, friends, people from whom we learn so much and are always most vulnerable. I hope your heart and soul heal. I know they will.

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  • L

    Posted on July 31, 2012

    There was one person I let play with me for too long and felt too much heartbreak. There was one last time when I’d be played with no longer and the end really was the end. I stood up for me and felt so good.

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  • Theresa Charlene

    Posted on July 31, 2012

    Alece, I’ve been there. I know exactly where you are coming from as it relates to self love and satisfaction. It took many years for me to be happy with me. I look forward to reading more about your journey.

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  • Dante's Bride

    Posted on July 31, 2012

    My favorite line from a beautiful story is this one “I have a burning desire to discover exactly who I am and at my very own pace.” Do not let any one rush you nor slow you down, girl.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on July 31, 2012

    Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate part of your life. I found it to be, insightful & refreshing.
    I’m glad you found the strength for peace & not grief in being by yourself, at least for now. With these positive thoughts & actions, hopefully more women and even some men who share similar experiences will be able to do the same.

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  • Anonymous730

    Posted on July 31, 2012

    I think is so true and most often everyone have these same feelings and don’t know how to express them. We as people are people. This is very eloquent and I love that you have shared something about heartache . I don’t think MOST people actually know who they are. What is your real purpose on this earth. Why are you here? If you believe in God then you believ everything has been created for a purpose. Animals , insects, everything that includes humans. We were created for a purpose. FIND YOU and then your purpose becomes evident.

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  • Mary

    Posted on August 1, 2012

    Wow. Seriously? I feel like you crawled into my head and wrote out my experience – down to the brown eyes! :)

    One of the hardest parts after my most traumatic break-up was figuring out what was *me* and what was *him.* It took time and work to parse out, but it was good work. As painful as it was at the time, I do remember that period fondly as a time that I really figured out who I was and what I was about. The hole left by the relationship became time and space to take care of myself. And, man, I did love reveling in break-up songs. (Ani DiFranco’s Firedoor was my anthem).

    A few fleeting relationships later, I met my husband. I think it was the work I put into taking care of and getting to know myself in the months that I was purposefully alone that put me in the right place to meet him.

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