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WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

Sexually Confused.

14 comments | March 3rd, 2012

(submitted anonymously, by a Chestist.  Oringinally 5.11.11 and again now)

Have you ever wondered about your own sexuality?  She's wondering about hers and shares this:

"I am struggling with my sexual orientation.  I don't know what I am. I think I may be bi, since I had a pretty strong crush on my college roommate for several years.  I've only been in one relationship, and that was with my ex-boyfriend, who is still a good friend of mine.  We're just not right for each other. 

Things are even more complicated because I'm a Christian, and I'm not sure what to believe about whether it's ok to be with the same sex…although my heart tells me there's nothing wrong with it, I'm afraid of going against God.  I have always been in the minority…I'm different in a lot of ways from the main crowd in my beliefs, so I just don't know who to trust.  I'm trying to let God speak to me, but all I hear are their voices, saying "It's a sin!  It's bad!  It's shameful!"

Anyway, the story gets more complicated because of my negative relationship with my father, who, like me, is Bipolar and would verbally abuse me and my mom and sister and generally behaves like a tyrannical child in an adult body.  Because of this, I can't trust him ever–even when things seem to be going ok–because it always turns bad again, and fast.

I'm going to get really vulnerable here and say that I also have a sort of gag reflex when it comes to imagining having sex with the opposite gender…ever since I found out about sex at 10 yrs. old–although that doesn't stop me from being turned on by a hot guy.  So basically, I am confused.  Oh: and throw into that mix the fact that I have an extreme love/hate relationship with men in general.

I have always wanted to be like them, as opposed to being more feminine.  Not that I'm a total tomboy necessarily, but I admire the way they get along.  I've even had a dream once where I was a guy, and I felt strangely more comfortable that way.  Just to clarify: this does NOT mean that I am looking to switch genders!  I just know that my spirit is more masculine than most girls probably are.

 

Most of my friends in my life have been guys.  I get along GREAT with them in friendship contexts…but when it comes to romance, there's a lot of discomfort and tension.  I harbor a lot of fear of men and hatred for their gender in general because of my many disappointments with them.  So, in a way, I'm almost hoping I turn out to be bi or lesbian so that I'll have hope.  The thing is that I'm still attracted to both genders-but guys more.  But I don't know if this is all in my head really, and I'm just lonely.  It's just a lot to process."  {end story}

Can you relate?  Have you been – or are you – in a similar situation?  Let's also consider that sexual orientation isn't just limited to the gender(s) of the people we have sex with, but the type of sex we like having with them.  Share your story and maybe you can help with hers.  XO

 

14 comments

  • Anonymous

    Posted on May 11, 2011

    This must be so hard for you, and no one can answer this question for you – but you. Figuring out what we want and who we are is hard enough without having to worry about what our faith, friends, and family might think. But know you don’t need to figure out who you’ll be or who you are forever. Start with now, just now, and do what makes you feel right. Maybe that will help. I hope so.

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  • Ch$

    Posted on May 11, 2011

    I agree with her above. Only you can answer this question. I will say that you should try not to let your past relationships with men determine what your next relationships with men are. They’re not all the same any more than all women are the same.

    Follow you heart (or your loins). I hope you figure it out soon.

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  • Maeve

    Posted on May 11, 2011

    “It gets better.” Really.

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  • FEK

    Posted on May 11, 2011

    I struggled to figure out my sexuality too. It became a lot easier for me when I stopped judging what I wanted and didn’t want, and just focused on what (and who) I liked and didn’t.

    You can’t turn-off what turns you on. Or maybe you can, but I do not think you should.

    Report this comment

  • FoS

    Posted on May 11, 2011

    I was “straight” all the way through college. Even though I knew I wasn’t really. Once I let myself be myself, everything got easier. Maybe it will for you too.

    Report this comment

  • Kourt

    Posted on May 11, 2011

    I’ve never been religious. I bet God just wants you to be happy though.

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  • BiPolar Too

    Posted on May 11, 2011

    Just asking, but are you on medication for your BPD? Something that helps you deal physiologically with all that, will probably help you get clarity on other things too. Unmedicated, it can cause real hell. Please see a doctor if you haven’t. (I know, I sound like a commercial.)

    Report this comment

  • OOC

    Posted on May 11, 2011

    We have the best readers.

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  • CuriousKitty

    Posted on November 15, 2011

    Have you looked into writing Dan Savage, a gay advice columnist who covers a lot about sexuality? He may come off as a little coarse, but his advice is really stellar. I’ll include a link. You don’t even need to read the current column, unless it interests you! But writing him may help, as he went through the sexual identity crisis and has helped people with their own problems with sex. Also, sometime’s it just feels good to get advice from someone who can relate

    http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove

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  • missy barbro

    Posted on March 3, 2012

    I cannot say I know what you are going thru,
    but I feel your pain. As a parent, if any of my children came to me telling me that they are homosexual or bi, I would love them all the same. My love for them is unconditional.
    It hurts when you are afraid or lonely because your feelings or beliefs on something is not accepted by the ones you love. But you have to follow your heart and be the person you were meant to be, before you lose yourself.
    You may lose ppl you love when you follow your heart, but you may gain many beautiful ppl who accept you for who you are.
    The best of luck to you!!!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on March 5, 2012

    I know what you mean. I’m going through the same thing, kind of. I am in my first relationship…with a wonderful lady who I really care deeply about. I never thought about being gay/bi/lesbian until I met her. I was also raised Christian (Catholic) and my family is very traditional. They do not know about my relationship and it scares me to think about when they will find out. I don’t know if I am bi or lesbian, but right now it doesn’t matter. I try to tell myself that I don’t need to know what I am right at this moment. I know I am in a relationship with someone of the same sex and I know that I care very much about her and I am happy being with her.
    When you meet someone you think you want to be with and you care about, go for it. The label doesn’t matter…what matters is the quality of the relationship.

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