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I Still Want a Dad Though

13 comments | June 14th, 2012

(story submitted anonymously, by a 20 yo Chestist)

My whole life I've basically loved my dad more than my mom. I feel horrible for sharing that.  i mean i love them the same i just showed the love more to my dad. My dad was scary at times but i just couldn't help but love him still and when he was nice and sweet it reassured my love. He paid for everything, always was the man of the house.  he was strict and i never wanted to get him mad, and you know what writing this now actually has made me realize that maybe i loved him more or cared for him more because he had expectations and my mom didn't.

It was almost like a challenge to stay within his love lines i guess you can say, i didn't want to cross that line and have him be disappointed. that was life up to a month or so ago. It turns out he's been seeing another woman behind my mom's back. Everything just stopped.  i didn't want to be loved by him any more.  there were suddenly no lines. i feel lost, and yet a little free. Free from him who obviously doesnt deserve my love. I still want a dad though…{end story}

Do you think a parent who cheats still deserves your love?  Have you ever felt "a little lost, and yet a little free"?

13 comments

  • T

    Posted on June 14, 2012

    I’m sorry for your pain and the hurt your family must feel. Forgive if you can. Don’t lose a parent over one mistake.

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  • BPR

    Posted on June 14, 2012

    I really think T is right. Our parents are as imperfect as the rest of us. If your father fell out of love or lust with your mom he should have been honest. I think your life may be more full with him in it if you can find a way to forgive him.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on June 14, 2012

    I grew up in a family where my father cheated on my mother all the time. All the time. She knew, we all knew, everyone knew. As they got older, they found some way past it and my mother’s forgiven him. I have not.

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    • OffOurChests

      Posted on June 17, 2012

      Maybe consider Scarlet Letter’s comment down below. Forgiving may be the best thing you can do for you, even if not for him. Maybe…

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on June 15, 2012

    Great insight about maybe loving him more b/c he had higher expectations of you. do u think it was loving him kroe or just wanting to please him more?

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  • Lily

    Posted on June 15, 2012

    Going through the process of disillusionment when it comes to a parent you’ve placed on a pedestal is part of growing up. So is learning to retain some equanimity in the face of human foibles.

    Ask yourself if you only want to love perfect people.

    Ask yourself if you have to be perfect for someone to love you.

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  • Scarlet Letter

    Posted on June 15, 2012

    I’m actually in a similar situation. Was daddy’s little girl growing up, always wanted and adored his praise, etc. Except then we grew apart when I realized I didn’t like having to EARN his praise and affection. A few months ago I found out he’d been having an affair for about a year. (With a prostitute!!!) Mixed feelings of abandonment, embarrassment, betrayal, hurt and yes, relief. Relief that oh, good, this guy I don’t especially care for has now given me a really good excuse to just totally cut him out of my life for good.

    Except, that’s not really what I want. I want my dad back. A dad that is present and loves me for me. At first I gave him the silent treatment- pretended he didn’t exist. Then I realized he was human, and he made a mistake. (Albeit a super huge, coldhearted, jackass mistake…). He’s really just a poor, tragic character with a whole host of his own problems that he’s still trying to figure out. He just happened to have chosen a really poor way of doing that. I think I can learn to live with that. And the relief I felt after I allowed my heart to soften towards him and see him for the hurting human being that he really is, was greater than the initial, superficial relief I felt upon learning of his affair. I’ve stopped ignoring him and have tentatively re-opened my heart, but it will take a while to completely heal. Actually, I don’t think it will ever completely heal — I’ll never forget what he did to my mom and the rest of the family, but at least I’ve arrived at some sense of peace.

    Happy Father’s Day.

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  • OffOurChests

    Posted on June 17, 2012

    Scarlet Letter…wow. You found an excuse you didn’t know you’d been looking for, what helped you decide to move past it and soften?

    We’re sorry for what you all have gone through but are so appreciative that you’ve shared it. Xo

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    • Scarlet Letter

      Posted on June 19, 2012

      OOC: It wasn’t really a conscious decision so much as just something that happened…
      I’ve been reading a lot of Buddhist texts lately and had just finished listening to a talk by Tara Brach on compassion and suffering and how we’re really all so much alike when I was just overcome with sympathy for him. Obviously something in his life has not gone right for him to be the way he is and to have made some of the decisions he’s made. He may not be aware of it, but he’s obviously suffering. (Most of us are) When I realized that, I couldn’t help but let go of some of the hurt and anger. (key words: some of…)
      It’s been a big relief.

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  • Worrier

    Posted on June 17, 2012

    I always worry that something will happen (like death) to someone I have stopped talking to and then I will end up feeling guilty forever. I think you forgive to a degree. Make some peace. For both of your sakes.

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