#miscellany

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It Would Break My Heart

3 comments | December 14th, 2011

(story submitted anonymously, by a 20 yo Chestist)

The song says that "sorry is the hardest word."  Sometimes, maybe.  Other times it might just be "goodbye."  Here's a story from one of you about not being able to say it:

After my three-year relationship with my first love ended last January, I started dating another boy. Whilst my first boyfriend treated me well most of the time, when I look back I don’t think that we had a huge amount in common. In general, he treated me very well, and I overall I consider him to be a very good guy. But I was not very confident and allowed myself to defer to what he wanted a lot of the time, not just in terms of sex, but in terms of where we would go out to eat, what we would spend the day doing, what I would wear. I could have been more assertive; he didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do, but perhaps he could have learnt to take compromise a little better.

Since then, I dated an international student from my university for six months. Not only did I feel that I was much more mature and able to be assertive in this relationship, I also feel that he allowed and encouraged me to express my opinions and preferences. This was made a lot easier by the fact that we had a lot more in common. He actually wanted to have intellectual conversations, and go to art galleries, but also sometimes eat greasy pizza and watch a stupid film.

This year I am abroad as part of degree, and he has graduated and moved back across the Atlantic. We knew that we had to break up (I did the long distance thing for a while with boy #1, and it was so hard) as we don’t know when or if we will ever be living anywhere near each other again. But it was something really difficult to accept; after a few months of being apart, I am still as deeply in love with him as I was when we broke up, and I have no idea what to do about it.

We said we would keep in touch, and still be friends. We are still in touch, but I am worried that this is making it harder for me to get over him. The thing is I don’t know if I want to get over him. I have always believed it is better to be as honest as possible with people, so when we talk I still tell him that I love him, and he says it back. But at the same time it is usually me who initiates the conversation; I am the one who is putting the most into keeping in touch. I can’t resist it even when I try and tell myself to try and let it go.

I am very lucky to be happy in almost every other aspect of my life. Of course, moving abroad is scary and presents challenges, but it is so exciting, I have met so many great people already, and the food is fantastic. But when I have a new experience, or learn something new, or meet somebody interesting, I want to share it with him. And I am stuck in a sort of limbo because I try and resist, I don’t want to overdo it, but I never can resist. I feel bad either way. I have even been honest with him about it, and he says that he doesn’t mind, that he likes being in touch and that he understands how difficult it is. But I don’t believe him, something inside me still tells me that I should just cut him out of my life, at least until I am ready to be just friends. I can’t do it, it would break my heart. {end story}

You ever struggle to let someone (or something) go, even though you knew you needed to?  How'd you do it – or are you still hanging on?  Let's #discuss, and get it off our chests.  Come on…

3 comments

  • Anonymous

    Posted on December 14, 2011

    I was in a relationship for 5 years. We both knew it was over long before it ended. I couldn’t get out of it on my own. I didn’t know how to say goodbye, and I was also afraid to say goodbye. When it ended, I was so relieved, and so sure that we’d finally gotten to the right place.

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  • KB

    Posted on December 14, 2011

    I stayed in a really destructive and abusive relationship for too long b/c my BF was so dependent on me and threatened to kill himself. I believed him, but he was just being manipulative. Finally a good friend of mine helped me end it. She literally stood next to me when I made the call and made me say the words, “It’s over.” Then she grabbed the phone and told him to leave me alone for good. I am so grateful to her.

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  • Susa

    Posted on December 15, 2011

    I was in love with a guy for several years; he didn´t love me back, but always wanted contact and friendship. He knew about my feelings because I told him about it and always used to say, he would be sorry if we don´t see each other again. I decided to stay, as it was the only thing I could get from him, but it was not healthy for me. I got sick eventually with a terrible back pain. I came to the conclusion it had something to do with this “relationship” and I wrote him a letter to say it´s over. The night after he received the letter he came to my place, totally in shock, almost crying. He did not want me to leave, but I told him again it is over. I think I don´t need to stress that my back pain was gone after that night.
    Although it took me another while to move on after that experience, I did, and today I´m married to someone totally different who would never treat a woman like that!
    I don´t know why guys want to keep up a relationship with someone who loves them, but who they don´t love back. It must be comforting and flattering in a way, maybe they see it as a place they can come to anytime, maybe it lifts up their ego. But what I know today is: if the things I do make me feel unhappy or even make me sick – I´m doing something wrong and need to stop!

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