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When An Abortion Happens In a Good Marriage

18 comments | February 13th, 2012

(story submitted by Lidia-Anain, a Chestist)

Let's just get right to her story:

Six years ago I felt completely suffocated and restless. I had quit my job just a few short months earlier to stay at home with my two boys just until my oldest started Kindergarten then I’d go back to work to help pay for the degree I was finishing. My self-worth had been attached to my job. My self-worth had been attached to my title. My self-worth was not my own. In just a few months after quitting my job I found out that I was expecting another baby. I did not want another child. He did not want another child. We had not planned for another child and had taken the necessary precautions to not have anymore children by using condoms and birth control. We had other plans yet there we were expecting another baby and this time we knew that even if we weren’t ready we could not go through another abortion.

Abortions aren’t things married women have?

We had already been down that road just six months earlier when we had buckled at the pressures that surrounded us. We had just moved cross country from Minnesota to Florida so that I could finish my degree because there we would have support from my parents. Support isn’t something my parents have ever given me unless I find myself at the end of my rope. We should have known better but there we were two adults living in a five bedroom house with our two children and my parents. I was working at the shittiest hospital in Palm Beach County when I found out that I was expecting and my mother FLIPPED her lid! There was no way in hell that she would help us if we decided to have a third child she threatened. Not under her roof. So, like I said WE buckled under the pressure.

We decided that being able to save some money by living with my parents would help us get me through school without acquiring a lot of debt from student loans. We decided that having my parents help us take care of our boys while we worked or I was in school was the only option. It was the only way that we could get to that place where I had a career instead of a job allowing me to finally live up to my full potential. The help my parents provided would help us get to the point where we could provide the children we already had the life we wanted them to enjoy. So we scheduled an appointment at the abortion clinic I had worked at just five years earlier and we terminated our pregnancy.

I shut off my feelings. I moved on. I denied that I had made the wrong choice for my unborn child. I denied that looking at my sons made me wonder endlessly about that third child. I went on trying to be happy. I went on trying to build a future for my family. Somewhere between the help from my parents falling through again and total denial I said fuck it and quit my job. Why the fuck not? Why the fuck not I had quickly and effortlessly quit my child via that abortion.

So what if it hurts me?

When couples make poor decisions that they don’t both fully agree with it tends to ruin relationships or at the very least cause damage to them. My marriage was very damaged. My self-worth gone. I was ready to die but I had two kids that needed me. It was around my birthday that in the middle of a fight I stormed out the house and screamed at him that I was going to drive off an overpass on I-95. I ended up at the Catholic church in the neighborhood that I had grown up in. I sat in that church and let tears flow. I got on my knees and I asked God to show me what I was meant to do. To show me what good my potential was for if I couldn’t do a damn thing with it! The more I asked the more I thought of my two sons. The more I spoke to a God that I wasn’t even sure that I believed in the more that the love for my sons rose in my heart and mind.

I drove home and I hugged my sons when I walked in yet I had absolutely no answers about how I would get through that day much less be the mother they deserved. My marriage was in a very dark place then we found out that I was pregnant again! We were pregnant again and still living with my parents but this time we wouldn’t tell my mother. Not yet. This time things seemed worse because I had no job and was still in school. This time things seemed impossible to fix. This time we knew that although it wasn’t going to be the easiest choice we were going to bring into the world a child at our worst moment in our marriage because the choice of abortion was not for us.

Six years ago I felt completely suffocated and restless. I was expecting my third son and every decision that I tried to make always seemed to be the wrong one. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run to the end of the world to hide. I wanted the Celestial Planning Committee to reveal to me the pieces of me that weren’t fitting so that I could morph my disdain into anything that resembled happiness. Frankly, I wanted to mutilate myself because my bad choices put me in that place that I was standing in. I was a lost woman that only knew that she couldn’t be good enough to deserve the two children that had been given to her and here came a third one?

So. I picked myself up. I did the only thing that I knew always made me feel good. I told my husband that I wanted to cut off all of my hair. I told him that I wanted to release the pain of the past. I told him that if I let the hair go maybe the pain would go too. He got his hair clipper together and shaved my head for me. I was bald. I was pregnant. I was lost. But I was not my hair or the pain of the past. I was convinced that life would get better. And it did after it got worse first.

Six years ago I cut off all my hair and today I am going to do it again. In getting to the place where my life is right now I have been through so much pain that I need to let go of. I stand here restless and suffocated but a much better mother than I was six years ago. I stand here next to a man that doesn’t seem to go anywhere no matter how much I push. I stand here looking at that potential and wondering if I will ever live up to it and sometimes wondering if it ever even existed. But as I cry in this moment and tremble I know that soon I’ll be able to look in the mirror and clearly see my face again.

I’ve made many mistakes but I am not those mistakes or my hair…{end story}

We have so much to say and such a range of emotions from sad to inspired, that we'll just leave it to this and to you…what are your thoughts, stories, reactions, Chestists?  Share them here.

(Lidia-Anain is an uncensored sex writer crushing the silence surrounding depression, motherhood, and sexuality by candidly sharing her experiences & struggles with all things sex, love, joy. To learn more about Lidia-Anain and SexLoveJoy click here. You can also connect with Lidia-Anain on Facebook, see what's in her personal scrapbook via Tumblr or tweet her @LidiaAnain).
 

18 comments

  • Wondering

    Posted on February 13, 2012

    This is so brave and human, and raw. A question for you or any one who understands the answer. Why is “mutilating” your self a relief against what hurts? I have never understood how hurting helps.

    Report this comment

    • Anonymous

      Posted on February 13, 2012

      To Wondering:

      Sometimes, specific physical pain provides a way to refocus the mind, away from other pains. Sometimes, it cuts through an emotional fog and deadness, and it’s the only way to feel alive. Sometimes, when everything in the world is completely out of control, it’s the one single thing under control. Sometimes, it’s not even really pain, it’s sheer intensity. Sometimes, it’s not even really the pain, it’s the meaning in the blood or the bruise or the burn. Sometimes, the emotions are so strong and feel so uncontrollable that lashing out is the only possible thing to do, and then it’s just about who or what is the target.

      Punching walls, throwing things, screaming; those are externalized techniques for letting out stress. Cutting or burning (or sometimes overexertion) are internalized techniques.

      Most of the time, these techniques are not healthy coping mechanisms. But they’re not incomprehensible if you can get a sense of the desperation and helplessness that people sometimes feel.

      Physiologically, pain releases endorphins, and those can feel good, for at least a little while.

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    • Lidia-Anain

      Posted on February 13, 2012

      Hi, Wondering,

      Thanks for reading and for commenting.

      For me the “mutilating” has always only involved cutting my hair. I don’t know why but I know when it started. In my early teens when I felt desperation I always cut all my hair off. I couldn’t control my life but I could cut my hair. The more drastic the situation or the unrest the shorter I would cut it.

      In Anonymous’ answer you’ll find a lot of truth. Everything that is said in that answer is why I cut my hair or “mutilated” myself. I knew it was a form of self-hate but it helped me feel empowered…at least for a short time.

      Report this comment

  • Leila

    Posted on February 13, 2012

    I am breathless. I am crying. I am so glad you did not drive off I95.

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    • Lidia-Anain

      Posted on February 13, 2012

      Leila,

      I feel bad that my story made you cry. I hope that you know that these days I find myself in a much better place. My sons bring me more joy and hope than I could have imagined that day I ended up in that church.

      I’m also very glad that I’ve never responded to my suicidal thoughts in a manner that’s succeeded.

      I’m sending you hugs!

      Report this comment

  • Anonymous

    Posted on February 13, 2012

    It took us 8 years to have a baby. Then we had two. The two were everything we wanted and everything we needed. Then, despite biological near-impossibility, it seemed we’d gotten pregnant again. We made the decision that this was not a baby were were going to have. It was not an easy decision but we believed it to be the right one. As it turned out, we were not pregnant, and so never had to put our decision to the test of action. I am sure we’d have done as we decided, and know that would have been right for us.

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    • OffOurChests

      Posted on February 13, 2012

      Thank you for this. Nothing but love to you and your two.

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    • Lidia-Anain

      Posted on February 14, 2012

      I can’t even imagine the strength and conviction that must have taken after wanting and trying for a child for so long then thinking another unexpected one was on the way.

      Looking at my third son that came so quickly after my abortion always makes me feel like we did the right thing for our family.

      Thank you for sharing your story!

      Report this comment

  • Sandy

    Posted on February 13, 2012

    Sometimes I pray to what or who I do not know. I know why though. it is in the hopes of finding an answer, a strength, a clue, something in a moment where that something is lacking for me. This line from your story rang so true for me “The more I spoke to a God that I wasn’t even sure that I believed in the more that the love for my sons rose in my heart and mind.” I get it.

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  • Ursula

    Posted on February 14, 2012

    I grew up Catholic and don’t know if I ever could go through with an abortion, and feel blessed I’ve never had to face the decision. However I completely respect the idea that sometimes a new life changes existing lives and not always for the better.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on March 15, 2012

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, and thank you for the explanation of the self harm. I too found myself crying from how much your pain identifies with my own. I feel less alone. You are all incredibly brave.

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  • A Better Person

    Posted on April 24, 2016

    WOW, incredible and powerful story I thank you so much for sharing your experience. It’s been a year since I had the abortion and I’m trying to keep it together for the sake of my two children and my husband but these flashbacks seem to be getting worse and the resentment I feel toward my husband is tearing me apart. Your story is quite similar to mine and it has given me the push of encouragement that I needed. By the way thanks for helping me understand why I cut my hair so often, especially those times when I go bald. I never fully understood what about haircuts made me feel so refreshed until now. Thanks again.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted on September 5, 2016

    This is an incredible story and really hit home for me. I am in a similar situation and am desperate to get pregnant again. Do you think that having your third child was healing for you?

    Report this comment

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